Unvaile the mask - How hard can it be, to be me

I struggle all the time with being fake,
not being "myself"...
 

Why is it so hard to just be real? There are a lot of reasons, I suppose. Fear, rejection, pride…
I find myself being someone else ALL the time......being someone that I am not.
I don't want to live a lie! Yet, I trim and whittle myself away to please others, and the way I think they think I should be, act, talk, and look..
I tend to behave according to other people’s expectations, and act like a puppet in the hands of this world around me. why?
The truth is......I crave approval and acceptance!
It is my idol!
I want to "fit in." I want to be liked....I like to be liked!  And I'm afraid of not being liked.
So, I create a false picture of who I am.....I create a mask to hide my true being. A mask that looks, talks, and walks like everybody else.

I am depended on human approval and human acceptance to make me feel important and loved.  It's one of those "I'll be happy and content as-long-as..."  type of beliefs.  But it is wrong.....acceptance is NOT going to make me happy! Approval is NOT going to make me happy! Why? Well, I found that when I think all about myself, when everything is all about me, me, me, me.....I loose my joy! And you know what else? It says in the Bible that happiness is found in GOD,  joy is found in GOD. Therefore, if I focus on myself I cant be happy, but, when my focus is on God...happiness will fill my every being! 

I have been reading a book by Ann Voskamp called 'One thousand Gifts.  In it Ann talk's about the significance of gratefulness and what an impact it can have on our attitude. Ingratitude leads to depression, insanity, and a number of other ailments. That is where the false mask comes into play. 
We all have masks that we put on with others, like pretending to have it all together, and making fun of those who don't. When really, we are just as messed up as they are...and maybe even more so.  But we are afraid to let anyone find out. 
My question is why? 
For me, it is because I am afraid. I fear man. I fear getting hurt by rejection. I fear of being made fun of.  Maybe for you it is embarrassment, shame, disgrace, or in another word.... pride.  You maybe unwilling to give up what reputation you have with your friends and the people you know, to be who God created you to be. If your "friends" dont like the "real" you...then they probably shouldn't be your friends.  A good friend, and a godly friend would love you no matter what!

I'm learning that the first critical thing I need to know in the process of "being me" is who I am....I need to know my identity. A good and dear friend asked me in an email one day...
"who are you?"

This caught me off guard. I worked long and hard, and finally sent him my answer.....
In reply he told me that "sometimes we express an identity of what we think our parents, peers, or friends desire for us. And it is important that we begin at square one with a clean slate so we can objectively see who we are ... not who we desire to be."

As I emailed back and forth with him I realized.."I have NO IDEA who I am!"...and that really scared me.  In a frantic endeavor to discover myself, I began to write out my testimony, but soon discouraged of that and turned to my parents for help.
And this brings us the present. The here, and the now.
My parents, (along with other mentors) are helping me realize and build my identity in Christ.
I'm sorry that I dont have an incredible testimony to share with you of finding my true identity. That, is yet to come. 
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm still learning...still struggling...still in desperate need of an idol crusher!
I am thankful to God for opening my eyes to this problem.

I believe it will be a life changing process!





Love you all.
And may God bless you <3

So in love with God

I am so in love with God. <3 <3 <3 I am so overwhelmed! I cant even explain it!  I am filled with emotion when I think about Him. But it is so deep down inside.......hard to see from the outside.

But, I do have intimacy with Him, I feel so deeply. He is amazing!

I felt like this when I came back from Uganda...and I was so afraid, then, that it wouldn't last. But with great joy and excitement I am discovering that it is still the same....it IS unexplainable! I have this overload of passionate love for God! I feel him all around me..in everything - I see Him. My faith is not just a knowing anymore.  Not just believing.  There is more, it is real. 

It is a love relationship.

On Sunday, I cried as we sang songs of worship; talking about God's love. Tears flooded down my face, my voice quivered......These were songs that I have sung a million times before, and never had they struck me so deep. Never had I felt so connected to God. It is amazing!

Then again this morning as I read my Bible......In Zephaniah I came across this verse....

                     " The LORD your God is with you.

              He is mighty to save. He will take great delight

         in you,  He will quiet you with his love,  
                    He will rejoice over you with singing! "

And again I was filled with emotion and began to cry. I know that I  have read this verse before....Many times.......And I remember memorizing it when I was a little girl. But it meant so much more to me this morning! It was so incredible. <3 

He is my passion! I LOVE God! I know that nothing in this world can get in the way of Gods love for me! It never ceases to amaze and melt my heart to watch how - as a Loving Father, He brought things into my life that shook my faith, 
knocking me to my knees;
in order to draw my heart closer to His.  
I am convicted by the Love that He has poured out on so many lives. My heart is so full and bursting.  His Love is so incredible.  

I am falling deeper in love with him every day -  

"God, I adore You!" 

I see every day, the way that He loves me through my faithlessness. I see every day, the way He blesses me through trying situations.

My heart is filled with wonder...and awe,

and I fall helplessly in love with the one who created my heart..changed my heart..captivated my heart.

He is mighty..

He loves me..

And HE is HERE with me!

--

--
"The Lord your God is with you
Hes is mighty to save
He will take great delight in you
He will quiet you with His love 

He will rejoice over you with singing
He will rejoice over you with His song
He will rejoice over you with singing
He will rejoice over you with His song

And through the night (in your darkest hour)
When you are tired (and you've lost all hope)
He will hold you tight

He will rejoice over you with singing
He will rejoice over you with His songHe will rejoice over you with singing
He will rejoice over you with His song"   --


I love you all.  God bless.

He Will Rejoice

Learning to love

I live because of you Jesus..

I can see my lack of love....and I'm convicted -- I need to pour out my love. More and more and more! Love changes everything. Jesus you prove that!  Without love, my actions profit nothing. I want to spend more time with You Jesus......learning how to love.

You captivate me...

humble me..

Your love changed everything..

Your love changed me, and is still changing me.

To whom else should I run? I'm running to your arms. The riches of your love are enough for me....nothing can compare to you! My heart will sing no other name, Jesus.....your name is above all! I am not worthy to call upon it...

But Jesus, I need you..

I need you so much...

All I need is you!

My heart cries "fill me with you Jesus..."

I cant get over your love for me! There is so much comfort and peace in knowing You!

.......Jesus cares for me!

You sustain me. Nothing is the same. "Jesus I love you!" 

Your love is so big...so vast...so amazing! I just cant describe it. I cant get over it!!!!

 I am yours..............

                      " Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 

                         I have called you by name; you are MINE!"

                                       <3( Isa. 43:1) 

God, is so good. He is totally awesome! In time of need he never fails to revile verses, such as these, to me. And I am again convicted by his love!

It is so boundless....fathomless.....deeper than any chasm....

Your love oh lord, reaches to the heavens. It is Indescribable! 

--

--

Thank you Jesus for your love 

thank you for being my everything..

You are every breath that I need

thank you for giving me life...

Thank you for being the treasure of my heart...

Thank you for sustaining my heart

thank you for overwhelming my soul....

Thank you for a heart that seeks you

thank you for NEVER giving up on me...

Thank you for conviction me

changing my heart

making me Yours...

Thank you for giving me what I need

....Not what I want.

You are so faithful.. .

Thank you for choosing me

though I'm not worthy...

You are Holy!

There are no words to say....

How much I love you Jesus! <3

What do I know of Holy

I take God for granted way to often. And I made him way too small in my life before. I allowed many things to be greater than Him. My own selfish desires became more important to me than my relationship with God, and I slipped down, deeper into the pit of sin.  

Satan's lies have clouded my vision and I was unable to see the majestic glory of God. I no longer thought about whether what I was doing was disobedient to God, or whether it hurt Him or cause Him grief. I didn't care about His opinion. He became the last person I ran to in time of need, when I was hurting, when I was struggling, when I needed wisdom... 

It wasn't that I didn't think He was capable.......but rather, that my arrogance and pride clouded my vision......."It’s like the clouds that obscure our view of the majesty and heights of the mountains. It steals our strength before we even start the ascent."  - unknown.  
 I thought myself as "unworthy"....which I am! But, it was a selfish thought.....I made myself more holy than God, because I thought that the things I had done were far too great for even God to forgive. Yes, He who sent His son to die on the cross as a payment for everyone's sin. That is like saying He didn't do enough, Jesus didn't suffer enough for our sins. 

.

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven but I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small, I never feared You at all, no
If You touched my face would I know You?

Looked into my eyes, could I behold You?

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

 

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury? Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of holy of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name on earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of Holy?     

 
                       (What do I know of holy - Addison Road)

But now, I see where I messed up...

I'm asking God for forgiveness, and His grace to heal my heart. 
And I'm learning to fear the Lord. 
I want God to be in control of my life because I know that He knows what is best for me!

He is the first person I run to...

He is #1 in my life..

He is my passion....

and I am learning every day about Him, and who He created me to be. 

He is no longer the smallest part of my life he is the BIGGEST! 

I love you Lord!! <3

Blessings ~

 

Keep On Keeping On

Since coming back from Africa, it has been a constant struggle for me in my spiritual life. I have been drawing ever so close to God....and as a result Satan ha been hitting me harder then ever before. I was given such an incredible opportunity to experience the love of God. I saw life and love from a whole new perspective!
I developed a hunger to get a hold of Jesus and reflect Him. I wish that my relationship with God could become so contagious that every one around me can see and feel the holy spirit. I want to be used for the glory of God!  Satan hates that and he uses strategy to plan attacks against me. I am asking God to strengthen me and to guard me from the destructive path of the devil.  I am a son of God and Satan has NO power over  me! 

                     James 4:7 

       "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

                  1 Peter 5:8-9

            "Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about,  seeking whom he may devour: Whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions  are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world."

I know that God is shaping me, molding me through my present situation. No matter how hard it gets, I will  trust, God has plans for me! I will continue to immerse myself in God. It is the only way!

Blessings <3

Reflection

God gave me an amazing taste of  what real fellowship looks like. We spent the majority of our time  with 19 young men who  live totally by faith, are self sacrificing, have a passion for there relationship with God and showed me what unconditional love looks like. They loved us before we even landed in Uganda. Before they even met us, they loved us. And from the moment I met them at the air port I knew they loved me. They didn’t know me…..they new nothing about me, but they loved me.  The love I felt from them never decreased……I never felt un-loved by them. I could literally see love radiating off of them. But it wasn’t a humanly love…it was the love of God. It was a heavenly love.


There were 4 other girls that I lived with in Momm and Papa Hunters house; all older than me. Hannah, Sarah, Blair and Robyn. We learned to live together, totally bare and transparent before each other. And because of this I experienced a deeper fellowship then I new was possible. These girls were my journal, I told them absolutely everything and I trust them with my life. As a result, my heart and my eyes were opened to the wealth of riches that God has in-store for us when we live the way that He intended. 
It was also reveled to me that I have a propensity to allow my fear of man to inhibit me using my spiritual gift of evangelism. I have always been afraid to get up and talk in font of people or share my relationship with God with others because I was afraid I would say something stupid or “the people” or person would think badly of me. And so, basically, I have been ignoring God’s calling for me.  I have not had faith in God to give the right words to say.
Some of the young men prayed for me one night and almost instantly my fear was gone. You have to know that it wasn’t a “normal” prayer…..we had all gathered in the Living room for worship and they brought me to the center of the room, told me to kneel, they prophesied into my life and as they prayed over me I felt the holy spirit in me and I was left with just this very palpable sense of peace. You see when Africans pray they just pray, everybody, all at once, because they are not interested in impressing others with what they have to say. When they pray it’s only them and God --I really came to appreciate that!

Have you ever tasted a Cyrus O’Leary chocolate cream pie?  It good right? The best thing you’ve ever tasted…and you just think that there couldn’t be one other thing under heaven so good!    But then you taste a Home Made Chocolate cream pie and all of the sudden that Cyrus O’Leary pie taste like dirt! You realize how you were fooled into thinking that something was great when really it wasn’t all that great. The home made Chocolate Cream pie is SO MUCH BETTER! 
That’s pretty much how I was introduced to my relationship with God.
Before I left for Africa…I really thought I had a great relationship with God. I really believed deep down in my heart that I had an intimate relationship with God.  Well, while I was in Africa God changed me. He did a work in my heart…opened up my eye’s. I was given a taste…a glimpse of what my relationship with God should be! I experienced real intimacy with God…and I realize how wrong I was! I look back and see how pathetic I was and how much God was after my heart but I was completely a totally hard hearted. Arrogant. Prideful. Stubborn. and most of all…..selfish. But God gave me that home made Chocolate cream pie…for myself…it is mine! He gave me a new passion for Him…one that was my own! By my own choosing I’m following after God!

Blessings <3