not being "myself"...
Why is it so hard to just be real? There are a lot of reasons, I suppose. Fear, rejection, pride…
I find myself being someone else ALL the time......being someone that I am not.
I don't want to live a lie! Yet, I trim and whittle myself away to please others, and the way I think they think I should be, act, talk, and look..
I tend to behave according to other people’s expectations, and act like a puppet in the hands of this world around me. why?
The truth is......I crave approval and acceptance!
It is my idol!
I want to "fit in." I want to be liked....I like to be liked! And I'm afraid of not being liked.
So, I create a false picture of who I am.....I create a mask to hide my true being. A mask that looks, talks, and walks like everybody else.
I am depended on human approval and human acceptance to make me feel important and loved. It's one of those "I'll be happy and content as-long-as..." type of beliefs. But it is wrong.....acceptance is NOT going to make me happy! Approval is NOT going to make me happy! Why? Well, I found that when I think all about myself, when everything is all about me, me, me, me.....I loose my joy! And you know what else? It says in the Bible that happiness is found in GOD, joy is found in GOD. Therefore, if I focus on myself I cant be happy, but, when my focus is on God...happiness will fill my every being!
I have been reading a book by Ann Voskamp called 'One thousand Gifts. In it Ann talk's about the significance of gratefulness and what an impact it can have on our attitude. Ingratitude leads to depression, insanity, and a number of other ailments. That is where the false mask comes into play.
We all have masks that we put on with others, like pretending to have it all together, and making fun of those who don't. When really, we are just as messed up as they are...and maybe even more so. But we are afraid to let anyone find out.
My question is why?
For me, it is because I am afraid. I fear man. I fear getting hurt by rejection. I fear of being made fun of. Maybe for you it is embarrassment, shame, disgrace, or in another word.... pride. You maybe unwilling to give up what reputation you have with your friends and the people you know, to be who God created you to be. If your "friends" dont like the "real" you...then they probably shouldn't be your friends. A good friend, and a godly friend would love you no matter what!
I'm learning that the first critical thing I need to know in the process of "being me" is who I am....I need to know my identity. A good and dear friend asked me in an email one day...
"who are you?"
This caught me off guard. I worked long and hard, and finally sent him my answer.....
In reply he told me that "sometimes we express an identity of what we think our parents, peers, or friends desire for us. And it is important that we begin at square one with a clean slate so we can objectively see who we are ... not who we desire to be."
As I emailed back and forth with him I realized.."I have NO IDEA who I am!"...and that really scared me. In a frantic endeavor to discover myself, I began to write out my testimony, but soon discouraged of that and turned to my parents for help.
And this brings us the present. The here, and the now.
My parents, (along with other mentors) are helping me realize and build my identity in Christ.
I'm sorry that I dont have an incredible testimony to share with you of finding my true identity. That, is yet to come.
I'm not afraid to admit that I'm still learning...still struggling...still in desperate need of an idol crusher!
I am thankful to God for opening my eyes to this problem.
I believe it will be a life changing process!
Love you all.
And may God bless you <3
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