The struggle..

For the past couple of week or so, I have been feeling very unmotivated, kinda hopeless and sad.  And for the longest time I didn't know why I was feeling those things, and it was frustrating. It put me in a very bad mood. After making a very poor decision to take my frustration out on a couple of friends, one of them pointed me in the right direction, and I spent all night praying, and crying, and pouring all my feelings and frustration's out to God. The following 2 days I was very mellow. My friends continued to encourage me and talk to me, even though I was being very obstinate and rebellious I'm sure.
I was feeling very stuck.

"God, I don't understand.
I know I should be happy....and there's no reason for me not to be.
But I cant. And I cant think happy thoughts.
God, sometimes you seem so far away,
and I don't even feel like looking for you, cause I'm so unmotivated." 

But with the help of my dear friends and some much needed time to refocus, I came to the conclusion that....when my life is at its lowest and I am struggling to even keep a smile on my face and am an emotional mess, the most likely reason is a lack of God. Not because He left or because He was busy doing other things, but because I had let other things become more important to me than God. I had lost sight of the most important thing. I was not close enough to Christ.

"Where have I gone, and what have I turned away from?
Why does it take me so long to realize my wrong?
Oh God forgive my blindness, and my lack of motivation to look to you,
to turn to you...
Oh, the woman of little faith, that I am.
Sometimes I wonder...how can you still love me?
 I don't deserve it...and you agree....yet....
..yet it says in the holy bible that YOU LOVE ME GOD!
Thank you."

Day by day its getting better though. Spending more time reading the bible, and writing down my thoughts, and praying.....always praying.

And I would like to quote my dear mom in saying; We all go through ups and downs. It is amazing that we think that we can go days or weeks with less of God and still be at peace and be happy, as if our friends and activities are enough to sustain us. But in truth, there is a longing in our hearts that only God can fill. So it is only when we fill our daily lives with him that we can remain peaceful, happy people.

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works." (Psalm 73:26, 28) 

Blessings <3