I Cry out. . | A Song

A couple of months ago I wrote a song that I have now titled "I Cry Out."
My heart always breaks for those who are hurting, disappointed, confused. . .etc;  I get so emotionally and spiritually caught up in the trials of anyone whom I know and care about. And there has been a huge struggle in my heart recently on the behalf of a very dear friend. It was through that struggle, that this song was birthed.  Little did I know that I would be facing many new trials of my own in the months following. And many times since then I have cried out to God in similars way as is describe in this song. 
Be warned, it is mournful. But sometimes pain can be turned into something beautiful.
 And for sure---even in the midst of pain---God can give us strength to stand.

P.s. The lyrics are inspired by Psalm 88
--
Oh Lord, God of my salvation  I cry out to you, all day and all night  Incline your ear to my cry----------please
For my soul is full of trouble  and I'm slowly sinking down  I'm a man who has no strength, no hope  Lord, please show me your mercy now
'cause I am hopeless, hopeless  hopeless, hopeless I am hopeless, hopeless hopless, hopeless---
Every day, I call upon you  I spread out my hands to you  Do not keep silent----------please
For my eyes grow dim through sorrow And I'm weak and broken down I'm in the depths of this great darkness Why do you hide your face from me? 'cause I am hopeless, hopeless  hopeless, hopeless I am hopeless, hopeless hopless, hopeless--

Lord, I need you I need you, I need you, I need you--
God, I need you I need you, I need you, I need you--
Please rescue my heart, rescue my heart my heart, my heart Please rescue my heart, my heart my heart, my heart-- 
--and give me strength to stand.
-- I also just wanted to say this; It is okay to cry. It is okay to struggle. Just remember these words from 1 Corinthians 4:8, ". .afflicted in every way, but not crushed; Perplexed, but not driven to despair." and these words from 1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." God is the outlet for our worst perplexities. Cry out to him. He wants us to pour out our complaints to Him and tell Him our troubles.  And finally remember this from Romans 5:3-5, " . .we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love in our hearts. ."
Thank you for listening. Blessings <3

An accident

    10.01.15

"This picture was taken on Monday night just a couple hours before I got into an accident and totaled my car. God spared my life, but by no means was I let off easy. The pain and aches in my body sometimes bring tears to my eyes. It's hard to sleep, and harder to get up in the morning. In my head is a constant pounding. My emotions and fatigue have never been such as they are, and my ability to make rational thought are far from what they should be. ♡ God help me see your love through all of this. ♡"

I wrote the above a few days after my car accident.

The night that it happened, I had gone with a couple of my classmates to see the sunset and then watch a movie. On my way home, at about 9:30 pm, I made the mistake of not giving my full attention to my driving. I was thinking about homework and school, and all the things I had to do. It was a 15-minute drive home, and I was tired. I propping my elbow on the door, and let my head rest against my hand as I approached another intersection. In the next moment, I witnessed my life flashing before my eyes. I only realized what was happening just seconds before impact. My hand dropped from my head to the steering wheel, and I smashed into the right rear wheel of a Chevy pickup truck. From that moment on, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. What smelled like gun- and talcum powder wafted up all around me amidst the dust and smoke. And for a minute I wasn't hearing sounds. My hands stuck in a death-grip on the wheel. I felt something wet running down my leg, (thankfully it was only coffee that I had exploded on impact and cover both me and my car.) After another moment I releasing my seatbelt, pushed my car door open, and got out. Leaving my car in the middle of the intersection, I made my way to the other vehicle. My bumper and pieces of it were strewn across the intersection. When I got the truck, the driver was already out and on his phone reporting the accident and scanning the damage done. I remember apologizing as I approached him, my only care was that he was okay. The moment he reassured me that he was fine, I turned around and stumbled a few steps before sinking to the ground, drawing my knee's up close to me. The other driver came and asked me if I was okay, I said yes without looking at him. He squatted down to my level and asked again if I was okay, I don't remember answering him. A lady who came up on the accident after it happened offered to wait with me so that I could sit in her care where it was warm.

When the Police officer arrived he asked me if I was okay and did I have any pain; I was in complete shock, and I did not feel a thing. After questioning me about what had happened, the officer asked me if my car was drivable -- I had no idea-- and told me to try driving it off the intersection. As I got into my car and looked around, I saw that some things that had been in my backseat were now the front, the windshield was smashed in a couple of different places, my airbags had gone off, and everything was dripping with coffee. I started my car and slowly drove it to the side of the road, leaving my bumper behind. Not knowing what to do next I stood on the sidewalk waiting for some kind of direction from someone. Eventually, the officer came and asked for my insurance, registration, and license. I tried opening my passenger side door to get into the glovebox, but the front end of my car was jammed back enough that the door wouldn't open all the way, so I forced my way in and retrieved the needed information. Realizing I didn't have any of the insurance information I pulled my phone out to call my dad. By this time, I was shaking so bad that I couldn't dial the number and had to ask for help from the officer. As soon as I heard my dad's voice I began to choke up. giving a vague explanation of why I was calling him, I handed the phone to the officer so that he could get the correct information about the insurance and car.

It seemed like I was there for forever.
After talking to my dad, my emotions were set loose, I sobbed. It was also below 40 degrees and getting colder, and as the adrenaline wore off I began to shiver. I'm sure it looked like I was convulsing between the shaking and the shivering, there was no controlling my body. I have never shook so uncontrollably in my life. The truck that I had hit appeared to have minor damage. A busted tire and some dents. But honestly, I really didn't get a good look. Finally the tow truck came, loaded my car, and took it away. For the first time since the accident happened I realized I wanted someone there with me, really badly. I got ahold of a friend, who came and picked me up and took me home around 11:30 pm. The shaking continued, and by the time we reached the house my head was pounding. The rest of that night involved a lot of tears in talking to my cousin (who I live with), and calling my parents once again. Even though I was exhausted, it was well past midnight before I could sleep. The next morning I got up and went to school and continued my week as normal.

My car was totaled. 

My parents came to town and bought me a bus pass. By trial and error, I figured out the schedules and bus numbers. They thought it best I quit my job. So I did. 

I know I wasn't hurt badly, and neither was the other person involved, but, I wasn't well mentally or emotionally. In the weeks following my accident, I felt numb, disconnected, and detached from the world around me. My emotions were, and still are, all out of wack. Many times I have broken down and cried over nothing. I found coping with my homework incredibly hard. My back and neck pain increased as the weeks went on, so much so that sitting through class was difficult. I experienced masses of fatigue and great amounts of sadness. I became forgetful and easily overwhelmed. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. A little over a month since it happened, and I feel like I can't stop thinking about it. When will things feel normal again? I don't know. But I know God is in control. 

The reason of the accident, I don't know. 

I am just taking each day as it comes. 

--


"There are days of taking more than I can give
And there are choices that I made that I wouldn't make again
I've had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This has been the story of my life

I have won
And I have lost
I got it right sometimes, but sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh, and You have been my God through all of it

You were there when it all came down on me
When I was blinded by my fear and I struggled to believe
But in those unclear moments You were the one keeping me strong
This is how my story's always gone

I have won
And I have lost
I got it right sometimes, but sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh, and You have been my God through all of it
Oh, through all of it

And this is who You are, more constant than the stars
Up in the sky, all these years, all my life
I, I look back and I see You
Right now I still do
And I'm always going to"

                              - Colton Dixon

I would have never imagined

             This story begins when a relative called my house in the early spring of this year, offering me a place to live if I should pursue going to school in Spokane WA. “I heard from another source that Rose visited the MoodyBible campus and had been thinking of going to school there,” She explained to my Mother over the phone. Eagerly, my mom recounted the conversation to me just a few minutes after hanging up the phone.

   When I graduated in 2013, I did not truly know where God wanted me to go, or what he desired for me to do with my life at that time. I visited Moody Bible Institute in Spokane to please my parents, but I did not want to go to school there. If God lead me to attend college, my heart was inclined towards a small, one-year bible college on the Oregon coast (Ecola). When my parents said no to that desire, the idea of college no longer occupied my mind. . 

 . . .until this family member contacted me.

   My parents felt like this was a “God thing,” and asked me to pray about going to school at Moody in the fall; a couple of weeks later, I timidly agreed to apply to MBI Spokane. I sent in my application not knowing what to expect, and in all honesty, doubting that I would get in. However, things fell into place one after another, and God continued to soften my heart, drawing me to a knowledge that this is what He had planned for my future. 

  In late July, I moved from my beloved Idaho woods to the busy city of Spokane and began searching for a Job. God blessed me right away and I started working the same week as I started my classes at Moody. Talk about BIG change. I had basically started a whole new life.

  I know, now how God has been preparing my heart for this journey, and hand picked this college for me based off of the passions and vision that he has given me for the broken and hurting people, both here in the united states and overseas in third world countries. 

  My desire is to study and know the word of God and become equipped to disciple the people within my sphere of influence, and anyone that God causes me to cross paths with.

My room

Homework has taken over my life. (Thus why it has been such a long time since I posted an update)

Being overly organized is the only way I am making it through this time is my life right now.

 I color coordinate all my classes and use highlighters to mark what assignments have been done.

I carry my life around in this bag.

My School - Moody Bible Institute 

  Eight months ago, I would have never imagined that this is where I would be, but here I am, eager to learn and grow, wherever God directs me.

Some of my reflections

Something that I believe God showed me while I was in Uganda, is my need for brokenness.

I know that's a strange thing to say...but honestly...If one doesn't experience brokenness...how can they see their need to be healed? In the same way, how can someone who doesn't know they are lost see their need for help?

The song I shared with you all a while back said "Make me broken, so I can be healed. Cause I am so calloused. and now I cant feel. . . Make me empty, So I can be filled. ‘Cause I’m still holding onto my will. And I’m completed when you are with me."

God gave me a drive and a passion to make a difference. I've always said I want to make a difference, to be a difference...but I feel as though I haven't even taken that leap of faith out of my comfort zone to allow room in my life for that to happen. I'm pretty good at being comfortable.....but Jesus never said that his will for us in life was to be comfortable. 

I didn't want to leave Africa, but I was ready to come back, because I felt hope and excitement for whatever God would use me to do here. I still don't know how I am impacting this world, this town, these people. But maybe I am not supposed to see....maybe I just need to trust and continue to live! And maybe that is to save me from pride, and to encourage humility.

God is good, all the time. And all the time God is is Good. 

Mustafa

Mustafa is a Muslim and a father to 7 children. He couldn't work because he was paralyzed on the left side of his body 4 years ago. Mustafa had to stay seated in front of his house (one small room) and babysit his baby as his wife works to keep the family alive.
Sometimes they went for weeks without food, depending on only water because there was no money to take care of his family. His wife earned 20,000 Uganda shillings every month ($7) and this money was meant to pay for rent, tuition for the children, and food.

Mustafa and his family was in a very hard place, like many other families in Uganda. But God brought Ezra and Peter the opportunity to meet this man as they were taking a short cut to make their was back to the highway on one of their ministry outing with a team from Idaho. When they came upon Mustafa, he was seated right where he had been seated for the past 4 years, in front of his home. I think Ezra and Peter felt God leading them to talk to this man. Right there they shared Christ with Mustafa. As they talked with him he repeated over and over that he had never heard these words before in his life. He couldn't believe someone LOVES him just the way he is and had given him the opportunity to be a part of this one big eternal family.

Over the past years that he had been paralyzed, Mustafa tried to commit suicide several times.
For about an hour Ezra, and those with him,  shared Jesus Christ with Mustafa. And later he accepted to receive Christ as his Lord and Savior.
Through Ezra, Peter, and the Team that was with them...God brought healing to Mustafa's life. He now walks, Praise God! And is able to work to earn money and provide for his family.


Brenna and I were blessed to join Ezra and Peter one Sunday evening as they went back to Mustafa's village to have bible study. To my surprise a large group of Mustafa's family and neighbors also came to hear what these Christians had to share.  God is doing great things in those people. And it was exciting to witness(:

Later at the end of our three weeks in Uganda, Papa Hunter asked Brenna and I if we would be willing to use some of the money that had been given us to buy food for Mustafa and his family. Brenna and I were overjoyed to bless this family in that way(: and they were even more joyous and thankful to receive the food.

 

14 things I learned in/about Uganda. . .

1. Always say hello.

Ugandans are so so so welcoming. Literally everywhere you go, “you are welcome” or “you are most welcome”. Ugandans are just friendly people in general, and many will give a polite wave or smile when you pass them on the street
And I have begun to really notice in coming back this time that almost every white person I pass on a "street" (in stores..etc) makes a deliberate intention to 'not' make eye contact with me. And I'm trying to figure out why that is.


2. Life goes on, with or without electricity.

It is not uncommon to wake up with no electricity, or to have the electricity go out at bed time and stay out till the next day at bed time. Still, life goes on. Not much changes except the careful usage of water.


3. You don’t have to have money to be rich.

Some of the happiest most generous and welcoming people I met in Uganda were not rich in possession, but rather were some of the poorest people who face many hardships, and suffering I had never laid eyes on....but oh, the treasure they held inside of their souls – joy, love, and peace from our Heavenly Father.


4. People with the least are often willing to give the most.


5. Moments would last longer if we would move slower.

Let me just tell you.....No one moves quickly in Uganda, and yet..everyone completes their daily tasks, and being productive happens without the stress and anxiety and rushing about (like chickens with their heads cut off) That is one thing I Love about Uganda.
Maybe, If we were to slowed down, we might find slowing down is one of the most productive things we can do?



6. The simple raising of the eyebrows can mean a dozen different things from a greeting, to agreement, or even telling someone to "come here."


7. A common phrase is "TIA" (This is Africa)
When you are driving through the city of Kampala and see a herd of cows waiting to cross the highway..."This is Africa"

Or when you see a 6 year old girl crying a tiny baby on her back..."This is Africa"
When the power goes out..."This is Africa"

When you see an entire dinning room set being transportation on a boda boda? "TIA"



8. When Someone says you "look smart" it means you look nice.



9. “Let me come” means the same thing as “I will be right back.”


10. “well done” is a typical Ugandan greeting "Jebole"



11. “Muzungu” means white person. If you’re white, get used to hearing it 800 times every time you walk outside. “Muzungu, how are you!?”


12. also, You will shake hands with at least 50 people a day.....after all.....this is Africa



13. You're time means more

You don’t always have something (material things) you can do or give to help someone in need, but that doesn't even matter in most cases....what you do have is you presence to give. Quality time spent with someone, listening and talking to them is just about the greatest things you can do for someone in Uganda. And they will cherish those moments with you for a long long time...if not forever.



14. God is the same God in Uganda and the United States.

God seemed closer and more real while in Uganda, but does this mean God is not as close or real here? I think no – God is God wherever you are. I do think we have more luxuries, distractions, and potential idols in our middle-class American lives. As a result, living a life devoted to God takes a more conscious focus on giving up of oneself – something that felt so natural in Uganda.

Olivia Kirabo

Olivia got pregnant in high school. When she went to the government hospital to deliver the baby, they took her to the operating room for a Cesarean. She walked in under her own power, but has never walked since. She was given a spinal in the wrong place and is now a paraplegic. She had serious wounds on both buttocks from sitting in her wheel chair. By the time the sores were discovered they were large enough to hold a small mango!

Since the discovery of the sores in late January, Olivia has been in the hospital under nursing care, and went through surgery just a few weeks before our arrival in Uganda. 

Brenna and I had been following Olivia's story even before we made our trip to Uganda, so we were very excited to meet this young lady and build a friendship with her. Knowing that Olivia has very little, we came with a gift for her, a couple of shirts and a pair of socks. I think she was very happy(: 

After our second visit with Olivia at Al Shafa Modern Hospital where she had been recovering from her surgery, we learned that Olivia loves to draw and write. She had already filled up one journal that had been given to her by another team back in march. So, Brenna and I excitedly went to town to perches a couple of journals, and some pens for her. I wish you could have seen the beautiful hand writing this lady has!

On April 28th, just a day after we had visited and given the journals to Olivia, Papa Hunter took her to Kampala for a check up with her surgeon. They returned with the news that her wounds were healing so nicely that she could return home the very next day! So, on Wednesday in the late morning, we all piled into the van and headed to the hospital to take Olivia back home to her village with her mother and two year old son.

Mama Olivia (Olivia's mom) could not stop thanking people for loving and caring for her daughter. She was just SO excited. Nearly three months is a long time to be without the daughter you have cared for from the beginning and especially after she was paralyzed from the waist down.

In addition to the journals Brenna and I also got Olivia a smart phone that will connect to the internet, so that she would be able to stay connected with friends such as Papa Hunter and NGM, and also us!

It was so exciting to see Olivia reunited with her family, but it was so sad to say goodbye to her. I am looking forward to hearing updates from Olivia about the things God is doing in her life. Continue to pray for this girl and her complete recovery, as well as health, and her spiritual growth too.

God has been so good in Olivia's life, and I know he will continue to work in her and through her.

 

Little Sharon

This is Sharon. Another sweet girl that Brenna and I met on our first day in Uganda.

Several weeks ago, Sharon was knocked down by a boda (Motorcycle taxi) and then ran over by a second boda, breaking both arms and one leg. It appeared that both arms needed surgery and a plate attached to the bones. Thankful no surgery need to be done on the femur, it only required a cast. All together she had FIVE fractures, had some initial internal bleeding, but no bleeding in the brain. She was in intense pain.   As Sharon lay in the hospital in, NGM created a funding account for her to raise support, as her family had no money to pay for the sugary and medications. They appeared to be the poorest among the poor.

She was in the Jinja Main Hospital in Uganda, but as she did not receive the medical attention she needed, Paul Hunter went through great efforts to discharge Sharon from there and transport her to IHK (international hospital Kampala) Where (Thanks to the love of those who have volunteered to contribute to the medical expenses) Sharon underwent the sugary she needed. 

But she has healed amazingly! And that following week we got to take her to Kampala to have her cast removed. :)



I think she was pretty excited to get that cast off her leg :) Thou I'm sure there was some fear when they took the blade to cute the cast off. And in a year Sharon go back to IHK to have the screws and plates removed from her arms.  Praise the Lord!





We made another visit to see Sharon a week after her visit to IHK to get her cast off.  We had received a call from her family that one of the surgery incisions in her arm had broken open and had started to leak puss. Andrew Snyder, came to the rescue. A little antibiotic ointment, and a bandage, and she was good to go.





It's incredible to see how God works and brings people into the lives of Paul Hunter and the people of Next Generation Ministries.
Because Sharon was brought into their lives, she got the help she needed. And by God's grace, this little girl is alive...and walking again! I think God has great plans for this precious girl. :)

A day of swimming

God put us in touch with a wonderful family on our very first day in Uganda!
And in the three weeks we've been here, Brenna and were able to spend several days getting to know these sweet sweet kids and their mom.

A little story behind this family . . .

Sarah is a single mother with three biological daughters. But, she has taken on the responsibility of bringing up half a dozen other children in her home.

Brenna and I have been blessed to get to know 7 of those kids(:
Being a single mother is not easy, especially with that many children.
Sarah buys clothes and re-sells them to provide for her family, but that business is not always successful.
What we heard from one of her older daughters is that many nights, they go to bed hungry. Sometimes just partaking in one meal a day. NGM blessed Sarah and her family with some food a couple of weeks ago, on our first day in Uganda, and we accompanied Pap Hunter and Chris in taking the food to their home. Since then, we have been building relationship with them, and spending time with them whenever we have had the chance.

This beautiful lady is Mama Sarah

At the end of our first week here in Uganda, we were blessed to take Sarah's kids swimming for their first time ever. We went to the market to buy "swimming costumes" (as they are called here) and then we went to Hotel Paradise where we spent nearly 6 hours enjoying the water and each others company. 

We had lunch together. 

We played long and hard in the water. 

It was such a wonderful time, I think everyone would agree!

And I'm sure we all slept very well that night :):)

Even Peter (our taxi driver and dear friend) came to have fun in the pool with us!

Precious, Patience, and Grace

Some of the girls feared the water a little :P

Brenna and Ezra drying off before lunch

Everyone was so happy and joyfilled

The view of the Nile River from the hotel pool

Beautiful Brenna catching some sun (maybe more than she intended)

There was so much laughter and excitement through the whole day

Andrew giving some small lessons on swimming

 

I know these faces don't look like they enjoyed their day, but in truth they really did! Everyone was just so tired from playing hard and being in the sun, and ready to go home to rest. So we caught a few boda's that delivered everyone safe to Paul and Pams home on Muvuli Crescent.

We love this family so so much! And we are so grateful to have had our paths cross with Sarah and her beautiful Children.