An accident

    10.01.15

"This picture was taken on Monday night just a couple hours before I got into an accident and totaled my car. God spared my life, but by no means was I let off easy. The pain and aches in my body sometimes bring tears to my eyes. It's hard to sleep, and harder to get up in the morning. In my head is a constant pounding. My emotions and fatigue have never been such as they are, and my ability to make rational thought are far from what they should be. ♡ God help me see your love through all of this. ♡"

I wrote the above a few days after my car accident.

The night that it happened, I had gone with a couple of my classmates to see the sunset and then watch a movie. On my way home, at about 9:30 pm, I made the mistake of not giving my full attention to my driving. I was thinking about homework and school, and all the things I had to do. It was a 15-minute drive home, and I was tired. I propping my elbow on the door, and let my head rest against my hand as I approached another intersection. In the next moment, I witnessed my life flashing before my eyes. I only realized what was happening just seconds before impact. My hand dropped from my head to the steering wheel, and I smashed into the right rear wheel of a Chevy pickup truck. From that moment on, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. What smelled like gun- and talcum powder wafted up all around me amidst the dust and smoke. And for a minute I wasn't hearing sounds. My hands stuck in a death-grip on the wheel. I felt something wet running down my leg, (thankfully it was only coffee that I had exploded on impact and cover both me and my car.) After another moment I releasing my seatbelt, pushed my car door open, and got out. Leaving my car in the middle of the intersection, I made my way to the other vehicle. My bumper and pieces of it were strewn across the intersection. When I got the truck, the driver was already out and on his phone reporting the accident and scanning the damage done. I remember apologizing as I approached him, my only care was that he was okay. The moment he reassured me that he was fine, I turned around and stumbled a few steps before sinking to the ground, drawing my knee's up close to me. The other driver came and asked me if I was okay, I said yes without looking at him. He squatted down to my level and asked again if I was okay, I don't remember answering him. A lady who came up on the accident after it happened offered to wait with me so that I could sit in her care where it was warm.

When the Police officer arrived he asked me if I was okay and did I have any pain; I was in complete shock, and I did not feel a thing. After questioning me about what had happened, the officer asked me if my car was drivable -- I had no idea-- and told me to try driving it off the intersection. As I got into my car and looked around, I saw that some things that had been in my backseat were now the front, the windshield was smashed in a couple of different places, my airbags had gone off, and everything was dripping with coffee. I started my car and slowly drove it to the side of the road, leaving my bumper behind. Not knowing what to do next I stood on the sidewalk waiting for some kind of direction from someone. Eventually, the officer came and asked for my insurance, registration, and license. I tried opening my passenger side door to get into the glovebox, but the front end of my car was jammed back enough that the door wouldn't open all the way, so I forced my way in and retrieved the needed information. Realizing I didn't have any of the insurance information I pulled my phone out to call my dad. By this time, I was shaking so bad that I couldn't dial the number and had to ask for help from the officer. As soon as I heard my dad's voice I began to choke up. giving a vague explanation of why I was calling him, I handed the phone to the officer so that he could get the correct information about the insurance and car.

It seemed like I was there for forever.
After talking to my dad, my emotions were set loose, I sobbed. It was also below 40 degrees and getting colder, and as the adrenaline wore off I began to shiver. I'm sure it looked like I was convulsing between the shaking and the shivering, there was no controlling my body. I have never shook so uncontrollably in my life. The truck that I had hit appeared to have minor damage. A busted tire and some dents. But honestly, I really didn't get a good look. Finally the tow truck came, loaded my car, and took it away. For the first time since the accident happened I realized I wanted someone there with me, really badly. I got ahold of a friend, who came and picked me up and took me home around 11:30 pm. The shaking continued, and by the time we reached the house my head was pounding. The rest of that night involved a lot of tears in talking to my cousin (who I live with), and calling my parents once again. Even though I was exhausted, it was well past midnight before I could sleep. The next morning I got up and went to school and continued my week as normal.

My car was totaled. 

My parents came to town and bought me a bus pass. By trial and error, I figured out the schedules and bus numbers. They thought it best I quit my job. So I did. 

I know I wasn't hurt badly, and neither was the other person involved, but, I wasn't well mentally or emotionally. In the weeks following my accident, I felt numb, disconnected, and detached from the world around me. My emotions were, and still are, all out of wack. Many times I have broken down and cried over nothing. I found coping with my homework incredibly hard. My back and neck pain increased as the weeks went on, so much so that sitting through class was difficult. I experienced masses of fatigue and great amounts of sadness. I became forgetful and easily overwhelmed. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. A little over a month since it happened, and I feel like I can't stop thinking about it. When will things feel normal again? I don't know. But I know God is in control. 

The reason of the accident, I don't know. 

I am just taking each day as it comes. 

--


"There are days of taking more than I can give
And there are choices that I made that I wouldn't make again
I've had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This has been the story of my life

I have won
And I have lost
I got it right sometimes, but sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh, and You have been my God through all of it

You were there when it all came down on me
When I was blinded by my fear and I struggled to believe
But in those unclear moments You were the one keeping me strong
This is how my story's always gone

I have won
And I have lost
I got it right sometimes, but sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh, and You have been my God through all of it
Oh, through all of it

And this is who You are, more constant than the stars
Up in the sky, all these years, all my life
I, I look back and I see You
Right now I still do
And I'm always going to"

                              - Colton Dixon