I Cry out. . | A Song

A couple of months ago I wrote a song that I have now titled "I Cry Out."
My heart always breaks for those who are hurting, disappointed, confused. . .etc;  I get so emotionally and spiritually caught up in the trials of anyone whom I know and care about. And there has been a huge struggle in my heart recently on the behalf of a very dear friend. It was through that struggle, that this song was birthed.  Little did I know that I would be facing many new trials of my own in the months following. And many times since then I have cried out to God in similars way as is describe in this song. 
Be warned, it is mournful. But sometimes pain can be turned into something beautiful.
 And for sure---even in the midst of pain---God can give us strength to stand.

P.s. The lyrics are inspired by Psalm 88
--
Oh Lord, God of my salvation  I cry out to you, all day and all night  Incline your ear to my cry----------please
For my soul is full of trouble  and I'm slowly sinking down  I'm a man who has no strength, no hope  Lord, please show me your mercy now
'cause I am hopeless, hopeless  hopeless, hopeless I am hopeless, hopeless hopless, hopeless---
Every day, I call upon you  I spread out my hands to you  Do not keep silent----------please
For my eyes grow dim through sorrow And I'm weak and broken down I'm in the depths of this great darkness Why do you hide your face from me? 'cause I am hopeless, hopeless  hopeless, hopeless I am hopeless, hopeless hopless, hopeless--

Lord, I need you I need you, I need you, I need you--
God, I need you I need you, I need you, I need you--
Please rescue my heart, rescue my heart my heart, my heart Please rescue my heart, my heart my heart, my heart-- 
--and give me strength to stand.
-- I also just wanted to say this; It is okay to cry. It is okay to struggle. Just remember these words from 1 Corinthians 4:8, ". .afflicted in every way, but not crushed; Perplexed, but not driven to despair." and these words from 1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." God is the outlet for our worst perplexities. Cry out to him. He wants us to pour out our complaints to Him and tell Him our troubles.  And finally remember this from Romans 5:3-5, " . .we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love in our hearts. ."
Thank you for listening. Blessings <3

An accident

    10.01.15

"This picture was taken on Monday night just a couple hours before I got into an accident and totaled my car. God spared my life, but by no means was I let off easy. The pain and aches in my body sometimes bring tears to my eyes. It's hard to sleep, and harder to get up in the morning. In my head is a constant pounding. My emotions and fatigue have never been such as they are, and my ability to make rational thought are far from what they should be. ♡ God help me see your love through all of this. ♡"

I wrote the above a few days after my car accident.

The night that it happened, I had gone with a couple of my classmates to see the sunset and then watch a movie. On my way home, at about 9:30 pm, I made the mistake of not giving my full attention to my driving. I was thinking about homework and school, and all the things I had to do. It was a 15-minute drive home, and I was tired. I propping my elbow on the door, and let my head rest against my hand as I approached another intersection. In the next moment, I witnessed my life flashing before my eyes. I only realized what was happening just seconds before impact. My hand dropped from my head to the steering wheel, and I smashed into the right rear wheel of a Chevy pickup truck. From that moment on, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. What smelled like gun- and talcum powder wafted up all around me amidst the dust and smoke. And for a minute I wasn't hearing sounds. My hands stuck in a death-grip on the wheel. I felt something wet running down my leg, (thankfully it was only coffee that I had exploded on impact and cover both me and my car.) After another moment I releasing my seatbelt, pushed my car door open, and got out. Leaving my car in the middle of the intersection, I made my way to the other vehicle. My bumper and pieces of it were strewn across the intersection. When I got the truck, the driver was already out and on his phone reporting the accident and scanning the damage done. I remember apologizing as I approached him, my only care was that he was okay. The moment he reassured me that he was fine, I turned around and stumbled a few steps before sinking to the ground, drawing my knee's up close to me. The other driver came and asked me if I was okay, I said yes without looking at him. He squatted down to my level and asked again if I was okay, I don't remember answering him. A lady who came up on the accident after it happened offered to wait with me so that I could sit in her care where it was warm.

When the Police officer arrived he asked me if I was okay and did I have any pain; I was in complete shock, and I did not feel a thing. After questioning me about what had happened, the officer asked me if my car was drivable -- I had no idea-- and told me to try driving it off the intersection. As I got into my car and looked around, I saw that some things that had been in my backseat were now the front, the windshield was smashed in a couple of different places, my airbags had gone off, and everything was dripping with coffee. I started my car and slowly drove it to the side of the road, leaving my bumper behind. Not knowing what to do next I stood on the sidewalk waiting for some kind of direction from someone. Eventually, the officer came and asked for my insurance, registration, and license. I tried opening my passenger side door to get into the glovebox, but the front end of my car was jammed back enough that the door wouldn't open all the way, so I forced my way in and retrieved the needed information. Realizing I didn't have any of the insurance information I pulled my phone out to call my dad. By this time, I was shaking so bad that I couldn't dial the number and had to ask for help from the officer. As soon as I heard my dad's voice I began to choke up. giving a vague explanation of why I was calling him, I handed the phone to the officer so that he could get the correct information about the insurance and car.

It seemed like I was there for forever.
After talking to my dad, my emotions were set loose, I sobbed. It was also below 40 degrees and getting colder, and as the adrenaline wore off I began to shiver. I'm sure it looked like I was convulsing between the shaking and the shivering, there was no controlling my body. I have never shook so uncontrollably in my life. The truck that I had hit appeared to have minor damage. A busted tire and some dents. But honestly, I really didn't get a good look. Finally the tow truck came, loaded my car, and took it away. For the first time since the accident happened I realized I wanted someone there with me, really badly. I got ahold of a friend, who came and picked me up and took me home around 11:30 pm. The shaking continued, and by the time we reached the house my head was pounding. The rest of that night involved a lot of tears in talking to my cousin (who I live with), and calling my parents once again. Even though I was exhausted, it was well past midnight before I could sleep. The next morning I got up and went to school and continued my week as normal.

My car was totaled. 

My parents came to town and bought me a bus pass. By trial and error, I figured out the schedules and bus numbers. They thought it best I quit my job. So I did. 

I know I wasn't hurt badly, and neither was the other person involved, but, I wasn't well mentally or emotionally. In the weeks following my accident, I felt numb, disconnected, and detached from the world around me. My emotions were, and still are, all out of wack. Many times I have broken down and cried over nothing. I found coping with my homework incredibly hard. My back and neck pain increased as the weeks went on, so much so that sitting through class was difficult. I experienced masses of fatigue and great amounts of sadness. I became forgetful and easily overwhelmed. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. A little over a month since it happened, and I feel like I can't stop thinking about it. When will things feel normal again? I don't know. But I know God is in control. 

The reason of the accident, I don't know. 

I am just taking each day as it comes. 

--


"There are days of taking more than I can give
And there are choices that I made that I wouldn't make again
I've had my share of laughter
Of tears and troubled times
This has been the story of my life

I have won
And I have lost
I got it right sometimes, but sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh, and You have been my God through all of it

You were there when it all came down on me
When I was blinded by my fear and I struggled to believe
But in those unclear moments You were the one keeping me strong
This is how my story's always gone

I have won
And I have lost
I got it right sometimes, but sometimes I did not
Life's been a journey
I've seen joy, I've seen regret
Oh, and You have been my God through all of it
Oh, through all of it

And this is who You are, more constant than the stars
Up in the sky, all these years, all my life
I, I look back and I see You
Right now I still do
And I'm always going to"

                              - Colton Dixon

I would have never imagined

             This story begins when a relative called my house in the early spring of this year, offering me a place to live if I should pursue going to school in Spokane WA. “I heard from another source that Rose visited the MoodyBible campus and had been thinking of going to school there,” She explained to my Mother over the phone. Eagerly, my mom recounted the conversation to me just a few minutes after hanging up the phone.

   When I graduated in 2013, I did not truly know where God wanted me to go, or what he desired for me to do with my life at that time. I visited Moody Bible Institute in Spokane to please my parents, but I did not want to go to school there. If God lead me to attend college, my heart was inclined towards a small, one-year bible college on the Oregon coast (Ecola). When my parents said no to that desire, the idea of college no longer occupied my mind. . 

 . . .until this family member contacted me.

   My parents felt like this was a “God thing,” and asked me to pray about going to school at Moody in the fall; a couple of weeks later, I timidly agreed to apply to MBI Spokane. I sent in my application not knowing what to expect, and in all honesty, doubting that I would get in. However, things fell into place one after another, and God continued to soften my heart, drawing me to a knowledge that this is what He had planned for my future. 

  In late July, I moved from my beloved Idaho woods to the busy city of Spokane and began searching for a Job. God blessed me right away and I started working the same week as I started my classes at Moody. Talk about BIG change. I had basically started a whole new life.

  I know, now how God has been preparing my heart for this journey, and hand picked this college for me based off of the passions and vision that he has given me for the broken and hurting people, both here in the united states and overseas in third world countries. 

  My desire is to study and know the word of God and become equipped to disciple the people within my sphere of influence, and anyone that God causes me to cross paths with.

My room

Homework has taken over my life. (Thus why it has been such a long time since I posted an update)

Being overly organized is the only way I am making it through this time is my life right now.

 I color coordinate all my classes and use highlighters to mark what assignments have been done.

I carry my life around in this bag.

My School - Moody Bible Institute 

  Eight months ago, I would have never imagined that this is where I would be, but here I am, eager to learn and grow, wherever God directs me.