My testimony.....

I don't really know how this is going to go....
Not really sure what I am going to say....

but I'm just going to let the walls fall...

....and open myself up to you.

A little bit of my life history....
I was introduced to Christ when I was three years old. At that age I was more afraid of "Hell" and "The lake of fire" than anything else, and I knew that I did not want to go there..."Heaven" and "eternal Life" sounded much more appealing, so I prayed with my dad and started my relationship with Christ. When I was about 6 years old my dad joined Village Missions and became a pastor. Having been born into a christian family, and my grandpa also being a pastor, I fit perfectly into that mold of "The good little church girl!" I knew all the right answers regardless of whether I lived by those answers.

The past 2 years have been the hardest and lowest 2 years of my life.
Ups and downs..... it was a time where I was finding who I am, what I believe, and what path I was going to take in life.
In the summer of 2011, while I was in Uganda Africa, God really opened up my past to me...and I began to take in all the things that I had been through. I felt the pain and hart ache of the wars I had been through in the past. 
It was like I had rejected those feelings at the time of suffering, and was now overloaded with those emotions. I had to make a choice.....
 was I going to choose to be mad for having to go through these things?
Or was I going to take these trials and allow them to grow me?

The 6 months fallowing my trip to Uganda were very dark depressing months....
I had come home so excited and soaring on a spiritual high! But soon after a crashed and burned....
Falling back into the patterns of life. I really started questioning myself.
I started doubting myself...
I created this idea in my head that I was alone...
And I allowed Satan to get a hold of my life..I listened to the lies he told me! I began to believe that no one really liked me....that I wasn't anyone special....that I wasn't beautiful. I was depressed, and food became my "anti-depressant." I didn't realize how much I was eating until people started making silly remarks about my weight. Just a few careless, offhanded comments, and one step in the scale threw me head long into an eating disorder.
I stopped reading my bible, and I stopped praying..
I hated myself...
I wouldn't even look into the mirror...
I spent the majority of my time in my room, hardly living life with my family.

I cried at night after everyone was asleep...
But, on Sundays I would go to Church putting on the same face that I had always worn, all smiles, laughing, pretending that there was nothing wrong. On Wednesdays I would go to bible study and voluntarily to read scripture out loud, and give all the right answers...just like a "good little church girl."
I don't think that anyone even suspected that anything was wrong...

It wasn't to long before a friend found out about the eating disorder...... she promptly told my parents.
It almost ruined my relationship with my mom and dad. That night was one of the hardest conversations that I have ever had! Like someone had cut me open and laid me out so that everyone could see what was on the inside.  
It has been a very long long long road...... regaining their trust. For months after, I could hardly even look them in the eye because of the shame I felt. They were always there to love me, and to talk to me, yet I hid my pain, fear, and struggle from them.

The year of 2012 was spent healing, and rebuilding relationships that I had ruined.  Refocusing my life on the Lord. Redeveloping a love and passion for Christ.
Every day is still a struggle.
There are consequent that I have to face because of the decisions I made.
Its still hurts every now and then, but that is when God reveals himself to me the most!
I'm just taking one step forward at a time....in finding out who I am in Christ.


Blessings always <3