When I Think About Myself.....

Just some thoughts that from my journal; I hope you enjoy...
.....and I'm sorry if it doesn't really make sense....

"And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ."

(Ephesians 5:20)

I want to shout out "I do, I do" but it would be a deafening lie. I reach, and try to grasp what it is to have Eucharisteo......grace, thanksgiving, joy. I want to be give thanks and joyful, and I know that it only deepens the pain of this life when I neglect to give thanks each morning/evening/day. But still, I fail to understand it fully. I fail to practice it in my life. I fail. I fail. What must I do? How can I change? And why is it so hard?


I always looked to find joy in acceptance.

My whole world was/has been based on peoples opinions of me.
It became such an idol that it wasn't even just my friends and the people I know whose opinions mattered to me, I looked even to strangers. And then I went through a period of time where people just stopped talking to me, it seemed like I was invisible to the world, and it totally crushed me. I began to think "what is wrong with me?" Searching myself for faults....something, anything that I could fix and try to make myself better. I became more and more depressed.


It gave me joy when people talked to me
It gave me joy when people complimented me
It gave me joy when people looked to me for help
It gave me joy when guys showed interest in me

I wanted all that, but I wasn't getting it! And so acceptance completely stole my joy.


Everywhere I looked I saw someone who was better than me. Someone who was skinnier than me, or prettier than me. Someone who was a better and more caring friend than me..
And so I would conform and try to be JUST LIKE THEM.
Because I wanted to be accepted..
and loved by people.

because I wanted people to
look up to me...

And because I wanted guys to see me
and say " dang who is that?"


My heart was in the wrong place, and I was looking in all the wrong places to find joy. But, God showed me my own heart, and at first I didn't want to admit that I was wrong, and I certainly didn't want to be content. But God is doing great works in my heart. And even though it really hurts to see the sin inside of me, It is all for the good.....because once I saw my own rotten and selfish heart, it didn't take long before I began to realize that this is not the way that I want to live me life. And this is not the way GOD wants me to live my life.


Where had my focus gone? On myself and everything I wanted, and I needed.


Mom always says, "When I think about myself, I lose my joy."

That seems incredible, because, wouldn't selfishness revel in joy, no matter how it was discovered? It doesn't work that way.


"The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). John 10:10


I am in bondage, selfishness is my captor, and I do not feel free. My sin nature is steeling my joy, and that effects every aria of my life, and every person that I meet.....

I don't want to be held in the bondage anymore....

The burdens we carry of selfishness, greed, anger, lust,etc; are the weights smothering our Joy. They cling to us tightly and removing them, like so many leeches with teeth buried into our flesh, might be a painful process. Once removed, we can finally be free.



He will help you find joy.


“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)


God is showing my just how true joy is in HIM....rather than these things..being thin, or pretty..etc; They don't matter because I am accepted by God, and that should give me all the joy I ever need! God is changing me. There is no greater joy than to walk in a room knowing that Jesus is in me. Praise the Lord! Joy is coming back to me! And what better way to express my joy than to give thanks!? I want to give thanks to God in everything! I want to thank him for every breath that I take. And thank him for the friends and family that he has given me. I will thank Him for showing my my own heart. And I give thanks to Him for accepting me....



Everyday I'm learning...

And everyday I'm growing closer to him.

But I still have a long way to go...


I'm Far from what I once was.....But not yet who I'm going to be!


blessings <3